(Above: Left - Kate, my girlfriend, Middle - Calliope, our furbaby, Right - Kate, me, blogger)
I'm a gay housewife in chronic pain who loves Jesus, ladies, and music. I do me rather unapologetically. Deal, gurl.
I’ve never read a single line from 50 Shades but I am still gonna rip on it because this is my tumblr and I do what I want. DIZZLE WIT IT.
Let us never, ever, ever, ever, ever forget that 50 Shades of Grey is fanfiction for Twilight with the names changed.
Yes, that Twilight. The one with sparkly vampires.
The Fifty Shades trilogy was developed from a Twilight fan fiction series originally titled Master of the Universe and published episodically on fan-fiction websites under the pen name “Snowqueen’s Icedragon”. The piece featured characters named after Stephenie Meyer's characters in Twilight, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan. After comments concerning the sexual nature of the material, James removed the story from the fan-fiction websites and published it on her own website, FiftyShades.com. Later she rewrote Master of the Universe as an original piece, with the principal characters renamed Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele and removed it from her website before publication. Meyer commented on the series, saying “that’s really not my genre, not my thing… Good on her—she’s doing well. That’s great!”
If you even remotely like 50 Shades I am so judgemental of you. You fall into the category of people who sell weight loss wraps/are members of multi-level marketing schemes and enjoy Joel Osteen. My respect scrapes the bottom of the diving pool for you.
The blatant naivete that is required to enjoy 50 Shades/MLM/Osteen hurts my soul. One must willfully shut their eyes and “lalala” loudly and incessantly to themselves in order to ignore the mountain of things that have absurdly higher quality (whether they be smut, marketing/sales practices and products, or theology) all around and everywhere for the history of the entire world.
Also, and I cannot stress this enough, 50 Shades of Grey was written as a Twilight fanfic. Yes, this does matter, and yes, this does make it ever worse than it already is because of its “heritage.”
It’s like realizing that a single can of Vemma - for their “distributors” (aka “money hogs” who are willingly and happily bled out monthly) - costs 3 dollars per can. That’s the “bulk” price. That’s as cheap as you can get it from the company. Seriously.
I think I’m going to write out a whole post detailing why exactly Vemma (and MLMs in general) are so freaking terrible and grind my gears beyond belief.
Moment of silence for America.
After the super intense chicken recipe I thought I’d give you an infinitely simpler food project that is filling and delicious and hella cheap.
Baguette Cooke in a Pan
- 1/4 baguette, sliced in half
- Softened butter
- Whatever else you want to put on the baguette (basically infinite choices)
Cut a hunk off your baguette (I like 1/4) and then slice that in half. Use a sharp knife like a steak knife for this job - serrated knives work great.
I got this baguette from the bakery section of Target.
Butter each piece of bread so that every part of the bread is covered. The butter doesn’t need to be thick (unless you want it that way), but every bit of exposed baguette should be buttered.
Put an empty pan on medium heat and let it warm up for 30 seconds to a minute; put your hand over it to check the temperature, and once you feel warmth coming off then it’s good to go.
It doesn’t matter what kind or size as long as the pan is big enough to hold however many baguette pieces you’re cooking. If you have a grill pan this would be the perfect excuse to use it; you’ll get some nice grill marks on your bread.
Place your baguettes buttered side down and let them cook. Occasionally move/shake the pan so they don’t stick to the bottom or get burnt on the edges (unless you like that). The reason for using medium heat is to prevent the edges from burning. It will happen if you use high heat. I promise because I did that tonight. The baguettes were fine I was just impatient and stupid.
You can cook your baguette however long or short you want. If you want it to be crispy it’s going to take a few minutes. If you just want it warm then it’ll take much less time, naturally. Check the bottom every 45 seconds by using a spatula to peek underneath (I used a spoon tonight) or so and pull them out of them pan when they’re done to your liking.
At this point you can eat the bread as-is or put something on top. I put raspberry jam on mine for dinner, but the possibilities are endless.
You could go the sweet route with jams and jellies, Nutella, cookie butter, nut butters, etc., or you could go the savory route with roasted or fresh tomatoes/vegetables, cheese, salt and pepper, meat, pesto (omg pesto would be so good), spices from your cupboard, etc.
Again, if you think it sounds like it would be good on a toasted baguette, chances are it will be good.
Edit: you know what would be amazing? HONEY. omg I’m doing that next time for suuuuure.
I’ve spent the last few years unable to work because of my chronic pain, but during that time I spent a good chunk of my life watching a whole lot of cooking shows and Youtube videos. After years of careful observation I now feel like I might know enough to try and actually cook some things on my own. Tonight I made some chicken breasts and thighs, and below the fold is a very detailed explanation of what I used and how I did it. I hope this post can help you get to the actual cooking part of cooking much faster than I it took me.
This is going to be lengthy because I’m going to explain things, which I hope you find helpful. I want to share the knowledge that I’ve picked up, s’all. I hope you appreciate.
If you’re like me and love nachos but are a white midwesterner and can’t handle more than four red pepper flakes on a NY-style pizza slice, this post is for you.
When I was a child I listened to the St. Louis Cardinals on 107.1 - at that time an illegally understaffed sports’ station in Indianola(!) - every night while in bed for about three years, I think. This was the blissful time before being on the internet all night was the way to go and I was young enough to have a bedtime, but also old enough to understand baseball.
Anyway, back to nachos.
They had this commercial with Jack (I think) in which he described having nachos with cheese and jalapenos, and God bless him it sounded like manna from heaven. So of course I tried to recreate this to no avail because my parents were healthy and wouldn’t break down and buy the cheese that comes in a can, which is actually necessary if you want Real Nachos.
Additionally full jalapeno slices are too freakin’ spicy, period. There is not way to mute the flavor of an entire slice if you don’t like spicy food.
This past week I went to the pickle section and I saw the way, the truth, and the diced jalapeno peppers. THEY’RE SO SMALL. You can put a tiny piece on each of your bite-sized chips and it’s the PERFECT amount of flavor. If you light your nachos hot then put more on, by all means, but if you’re white bread then one will do ya.
I just thought I should share this with the world because it’s been an experiment literally years in the making.
My sister and I do what I call “getting ready like a fireman.” We wake up five minutes (or for her 2-3 minutes) before we’re supposed to leave, throw on our clothes, brush our hair and teeth, and go out to the car and leave. There is no time for breakfast or meditation or baths (which is fine because we bathe at night). There is only waking up, clothes, brush, brush, gone.
Kate, on the other hand, actually enjoys getting her bearings before leaving. She’ll shower in the morning and read the news and drink a cup of coffee.
This morning we were supposed to meet a friend of ours for breakfast and I got up when Kate did, 45 minutes before we were due to leave. She showered and I listened to Stevie Nicks and read an article about Tyra Banks. I had set my alarm for 7:43 (we were leaving a little before 8) but I turned it off because I was awake!
At 7:52 we got the “sorry not gonna happen sick kid” text that I had been dreading but also kind of expecting? I don’t know why but I just knew it was gonna happen, which isn’t saying it’s a bad thing or a wrong thing but when Kate’s phone chirped I just knew.
Anyway all this is to say if I had gone with my original plan I’d be barely awake and able to go back to sleep like a champ, but because I’m awake and had my wallet in my pocket and my shoes on… well here we are.
So here’s to the fireman’s preparation. False alarm.
If your tumblr or website automatically plays ANY music (or starts a video or makes noise without me telling it to make noise) I am automatically going to think you’re a bad person and you should feel bad because OMG WHY.
This is a real, actual, helpful life hack/tip.
If you and the person you share a bed with have a problem sharing the sheet (or comforter or whatever) for whatever reason - ours is because we have a giant pile of pillow in the middle of the bed for to help alleviate some pressure on my hip - consider purchasing a sheet (or whatevs) a size larger than your bed. We have a queen-sized bed which is plenty of room for sleeping, but the queen sized sheets were not cutting it. We paid a little extra for the king sized sheets and our lives have been wonderful and completely covered ever since.
Maybe this seems like an obvious fix to some people but it took us a few years to figure it out. Wow, has it really been two years since we got the bed? I guess so. Gosh.